Monday 13 July 2009

Guest Blogger: Lana Citron

The Fantasy Bus


And late

Girl exists London Underground

Bound for the office

Short skirt strides shortened

Clickitty clack heels upon pavement

Clocking in for a day of interminable boredom

Girl takes up appointed position

As temporary city company receptionist

'Good morning.'

Duties consist of sitting with a smile on her face

'Good morning.'

Harder than you may think

So you mustn't

Security guards take it in shift to sit bedside Girl

On this fine,

'Good morning.'

Arnold, a Northern, racist, homophobic

Not his fault environment in which he grew up

Keeps Girl company


The morning rush subsides and strange

A slow bus trundles along the road

Strange it is painted blue

It is noticed

Eyes are averted from papaers, screens, coffee machines, office seats

And.... oh la la

the big blue open top bus comes to a stopoutside Girl's glass doors

Drum roll and a cough to clear the Maestro's throat

'Ladies and Gentlemen behold the beautiful the sensual, erotic, exotic...

Three lovely ladies

Fun gals come to brighten up your day,'

The Maestro pinched a proffered bum


Come take a closer look-


'Caught on camera by the TV crew

''Looksy, we know you want to.'

Girl gets distracted and red-blooded Arnold has already fled

She goes to have a decker

It's not every day you get to sample the best of British journalism


Smoked glass doors are opened wide

Girl and Arnold step outside

'Woah, she's a ride,' says Arnold to Girl.

'Go on gorgeous, give us a twirl.'

'Awight boys,' calls out Titty One, 'We sure gonna have fun.'

And slowly and oh so teasingly

She pulls her t-shirt up over her body revealing her...

And the crowd yell

'Cor, look at the knockers on that.'






And tastefully exhibited

The important bits hidden behind a golden bikini thingy


A good crowd has gathered

Fun for all means men and Girl

She doesn't seem to notice, neither do they

Otherwise preoccupied with Titty One

Her hips, bra straps, and her bum

Sway in opposing directions

man calls out, 'get a move on some of us got work to do.'

Titty One satisfies

Her great big boobies are espied

The bikini thingy cast aside

How dutifully displayed

Titty One is most refined

Shows them off like a good little girl

Like she's a good little girl

Flutters her eyes, never done it before

then switches to acting like a dirty whore

In tune, the bleating audience sing the all time classic

'Get your tits out for the boys.'


Like vermin they appear out of nowhere

Tools down, headed for the spectacle

the crowd has grown like a pregnant woman

Lines of males at windows

Windows opened for the first time ever

Cheering and the like

Then Titty Two joins her pal

She really is a horny gal

'All for you,' coos Titty Two

'But mustn't tell the wife.'

And she pouts out her tush wagging it like a puppy bitch

'Could do wiv a piece of dat.'

'Wouldn't know what to do.'

'Would too.'

Fisty cuffs are formed, punches thrown

'Boys, boys there's plenty for all.' says Titty Three

She lifts up her top, 'See, see.'


An enormous blob of dribbly drool

Descends down the building forming a pool

Titties titillating, tight trousered crowd

Girl taken in goes along for the ride

She cheers those ladies on

'Bravo... bravo...'

Focus switches, Girl comes into view

Full frontal, fully clothed


Males are disconcerted, don't know what to do

Very unbecoming behaviour

From a proper lady

Most unsettling

Definately not right

Girl should be behind her desk

Out of sight

The men feel cheated

It's their show

They attack her with cries of

'Lesbo... Lesbo...'

Girl shouts back,

'Would you blame me, look at the state of you lot.'

The Titties laugh

'Good on you Girl,, they shout their support

men lose face, bosses lose money and it's back to work boys


The crowd disperse and the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round...

Author of five novels, Lana Citron is also a consummate hoarder of kisses and currently working on; 'A Life in Kisses', check her out at or at The Big Chill this year or should the fancy take, on the 4th plinth in Leicester Square on Agust the 9th between 9-10am. This edited piece was originally published in Lara's first novel, Sucker and kindly donated to Burlesque Against Breast Cancer, not to mention performed last Monday at the Book Club Boutique.

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